Yesterday I struggled to come up with a post. It seems like all of my idea strike when I am nowhere near a computer or paper. Or even my phone. Then when I sit down and attempt to flesh out an idea, creativity basically says "Screw you. You didn't want to work with me before, now you can bugger off."
So today I have a full day of running around a college campus at a writer's conference for students grades K-8, making sure the two kids assigned to me are where they are supposed to be. And what a more perfect opportunity to let the words spill onto the page than today?
In my last entry I mentioned that I knew I was standing in the way of my own success. I know it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand this. I have friends and family and friends that are basically family supporting me. From ideas to purchases to quiet time to challenge groups, I have the resources I need in them. But what I don't have is the confidence in myself.
The last few days - okay more like last night and today - I have taken the time to listen to an audiobook that has been queued up for what seems like forever. Honestly, I have been listening to this book so long that I have no idea when I actually started it. The book is Big Magic and the author focuses on magic and creativity.
The whole concept of creativity being personified was a little crazy for me at first. But the more I listened, the more it made sense. Ideas are not going to stick around forever. They show up and if ignored, they find someone who will give them the time of day. Which is why Creativity basically says "forget you" when I set aside a writing idea until I have the time to focus on it. Let's face it - as a mom, teacher, business owner, and pet parent, there is no real "right time". Same with all of those grand crafting ideas that I have been hording and sitting on forever.
Do you know how many Pinterest ideas I have pinned and have never looked at a second time? It's almost embarrassing.
Then today the keynote speaker, Douglas Wood (yes, the author), talked about reaching for our dreams. He told the story about how the rabbit realized his dream to go to the moon and how the crane got long legs and a red crown. Then Wood talked about his own struggle to realize his simple dream of becoming a good reader. He struggled to learn to read, but with the help of his teacher, Ms. Little, he became a reader. Not the greatest or fastest reader, but a good reader who comprehends what he reads.
So what does Big Magic and Douglas Wood have in common? They both shared the message that you don't have to be perfect. Perfection is a bitch that leads you astray. Basically you need to say Bye Felicia to Perfection, give Creativity shotgun in the car, and ride with what you have. A violently executed plan today is better than a perfect plan executed never. Or something like that.
I think that is what my problem is. There aren't enough responses to posts or no one shows to my online parties or there is a mistake on a perfectly white canvas or comments never show up on my blogs or whatever. I MIGHT FAIL. There are a million reasons why I shouldn't start something.
But the reality is, there is one really good reason to start. Starting gives me freedom. Freedom to learn, freedom to fail, freedom to succeed, freedom to show my kids what the process looks like, freedom to be creative, freedom to be me.
Over the course of my life I have had some major realizations.
I signed up for a challenge. A week ago. And I am already a week behind. Oops.
The challenge is to blog every day, if possible, but more importantly the idea is to be more consistent with posts and set some attainable goals. I honestly have no idea what those goals should be. I know that I have a lot of ideas lately and I need a creative escape, but as to what that means in terms of goals? Good question.
As the squirrel in my head is jumping trees and tossing nuts, I just jumped to my email and found this:
"As you continue to orchestrate your life story, read on below for the most important thing you can learn from one of the greatest storytellers of all time!
"How Shakespeare Wrote The Greatest Stories? Negative Capability"Encyclopaedia Britannica defines negative capability as:
"... a writer’s ability, “which Shakespeare possessed so enormously,” to accept uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason."
This phrase was first used by John Keats in a letter to his brothers in 1817.
Negative capability is the capacity to embrace mystery. To be still and observe or reflect before we rush into fixing situations that we barely understand with our previously accumulated knowledge, which might be inadequate given the circumstances.
In essence, it is the courage to admit that we do not always know how things will pan out; and the self discipline to let new possibilities unfold without meddling. This is the force that drives creativity and discovery, for one can not advance their knowledge by always falling back on predetermined conclusions."
There is more in the email, but you get the picture. And for me, it really fits. I think this might give some insight as to why I don't trust the process and write more or even start more things...I am uncertain of the outcome. While I don't mind making mistakes along the way, if I can't assume that there will be at least some element of success, I shut down. That's it. I won't deal with it, I won't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist.
So maybe my challenge/goal this year will be to just write. To take more chances when it comes to goals and challenges. While accept failure, I need to accept the process of getting there. I realize that I am standing in the way of my own success. No blame to pass around there. But I need to understand why I am so afraid to succeed.
This is a ramble. But this stream of consciousness is what is currently hopping through my head.
A little about me
I blog for fun, to get my thoughts in order. I am a mom to two frustrating and wonderful kids and one diva dog. My full-time gig is teacher and I do some side hustle with a few DS businesses. I love working with people...but I also value my alone time since in reality I'm a huge introvert.