So I am checking in.
Yesterday I started taking the stimulant that the doctor prescribed. I wasn't jittery and was fairly focused all afternoon. I went to bed later than normal, but when I went to bed it was because I wanted to, not because I felt that I had to as a result of being so exhausted I couldn't function.
This hasn't happened in, like, forever.
I woke up more rested than usual and I am not sure if this is a placebo effect or if the fact that I decided when I wanted to go to bed had something to do with it. You know how overtired kids are - they don't always sleep the best and they generally wake up still a little crabby the next morning? Yeah, that sort of describes me all the time.
Today is day two of the process. The doctor wanted me to take the meds in the morning, or as needed. I have modified the time a bit and take them in the early afternoon, when I start to really feel run down and ready for a nap. This morning I was up early and caught myself falling asleep on the couch, but in my defense I had already given the dog a bath before 7:30am and who isn't going to fall asleep with a cuddly puppy curled up on you while you are under a nice warm blanket. I mean, it would be a super human feat not to sleep under these conditions!
So the afternoon is marching on and I am attempting to focus on my grad work. I have made progress but I have a ton of work yet to do before midnight Sunday.
I am far from feeling like I have things under control, but at this point I don't feel as lost as usual. Hopefully this week continues to produce positive results and next week I can get back to incorporating my workouts. Here's hoping.
Yesterday I mentioned that I watched Embrace (a must watch for everyone who has a body or talks to someone with a body).
It really started me thinking about body image and the message that I project to both my kids and those that I want to help through Beachbody. And I am not always sure I know what the hell I am trying to say at times.
In the movie, Taryn (the writer and director of the film) commented that most "Before" and "After" photos tend to show a person (usually a woman) who is over weight and unhappy, then that person is thin and happy in the next photo. In her case, the opposite was true. She went from being super fit and competing in a body building competition to being the opposite of a body builder. And to clarify, she didn't forego fitness, she decided to forego the diet restrictions and intense sacrifices she and her family had to make in her journey to fit the mold of a "perfect" body.
The Taryn that made the film was happy and healthy and normal. She loved food, she loved fitness (she ran a race for crying out loud), she loved life when she looked beyond the restrictions of what is considered a body acceptable by society.
That got me to thinking about my own journey. In high school I was thin. Too thin. But it was no work. I was blessed with a high metabolism and a social life that didn't make me think about food. I still felt like I needed to workout at times to get the "perfect" stomach or more defined arms, but to be honest, I didn't worry about it much.
College hit and once again I maintained. I gained some weight, but there were no real issues. To my knowledge no one could comment on the appearance of the "Freshman 15". Life was good.
Then I became a mom. I gained more weight than I would have liked with the first one, but I lost most of it and while not completely happy with my new "mom" body, I could deal. Pregnancy #2, same thing. I didn't lose quite all of it, but it was still nothing to be overly concerned about. I was able to maintain with no real stress over watching calories. This was the life of a new mom with 2 kids always on the go.
Divorce struck. Stress. Major stress. I lost a lot of weight. I was a size I never should have been and I was pushing myself physically, mentally, calorically (new word). I wasn't sleeping, I was eating, I was in survival mode all the time. I knew what I could control and it wasn't the reaction or emotions of those around me.
I maintained that crazy for longer than I should have and then moved to a place where I didn't have easy access to the Y. I also sort of just collapsed into myself. The weighted crept back, but I was okay with it because I knew that I had allowed things to get out of control and I was too thin to really be healthy. But then I got comfortable and the weight kept showing up. Then add in the fact that I wasn't sleeping.
Initially the lack of sleep wasn't a worry. I was young and did a decent job of balancing lack of sleep, work, something of a social life, and parenting. Life was happening and I could handle it.
Fast forward to current times and I am still not sleeping and I can't manage it any more. I am crabby, tired all the time, and overweight. And the weight keeps coming, but the workouts don't keep happening. I am so freaking tired. All. The. Time. But here's the deal, I am not looking to be super thin again. I know what is considered average for my height and age, and I am good with that. My goal is healthy, not skinny.
So why am I going into all this. Well, you will (eventually, when I am not chicken shit about it) see pictures of me crabby and feeling not so sexy. But then you will see pictures of me sweaty and smiling and rocking the selfie. Here is the difference I want you to see...my smile is not because I lost 5lbs (or whatever).
It is because I accomplished something I didn't the day before.
It is because I got out of bed without hitting snooze 10 times.
It is because I performed a round in the workout without using the modifier.
It is because I did something for me that shows the world I accept myself and want to be around for many more years to embarrass the hell out of my kids and force students to learn grammar in the classroom (even though no one really likes or understands it).
I guess what I want to say, and what I hope to project, is that I am so far from expecting myself or others to fit a certain mold. I know that my happy (English - yuck, right?) is not your happy (Math? Yum, no thank you.) and that there are so many beautiful elements to that acknowledgement.
So whether you stop by my blog to catch up, get a few randomly placed tips/tricks, or are looking for guidance for a healthier life, I really hope that what you get is a sense of "You are enough." Because you are enough and I hope you right hook the person who tells you otherwise.
A little about me
I blog for fun, to get my thoughts in order. I am a mom to two frustrating and wonderful kids and one diva dog. My full-time gig is teacher and I do some side hustle with a few DS businesses. I love working with people...but I also value my alone time since in reality I'm a huge introvert.